Get Real

"The key to unlocking this dilemma is recognizing how the ego activity of judging divides the self into judging and judged parts, thus destroying the unity of the self. It is only from unity, from a whole and complete contact with all of the self that we are able to embody and recognize perfection."-The Enneagram Institute

It turns out that I chase perfection by judging myself. According to this little nugget, my methodology is so flawed that I won't be able to even recognize the perfection to which I aspire.

I don't speak in metaphor--here is an literal picture of perfection from one of the magazines I am obsessed with....sigh...so pretty.

Dear High School Boyfriend

Dear High School Boyfriend,

I have just learned of your passing. It is numbing and shocking; my heart aches for your family and the people who were a part of your present life. What an enormous loss for them. Even as they grieve and wonder how to go on without you, they must all feel so deeply thankful to have been touched by you.

As I process what I have learned, I recall our relationship and the girl that I was. While I have worked very hard through the years to extend grace, compassion, and forgiveness to my former self, the vivid recollections are painful. Yet, as difficult as that close-up is, it deepens both my appreciation and my understanding of the pivotal and precious part of my journey that included you.

For some years I have had the thought that I wish you knew me now--this updated, integrated version of myself. I have shared this with a few of our mutual friends. But, having some grasp of the space time continuum, I totally get that who I am now is necessitated and precipitated by the fact that you knew me then. Thanks for being a part of who I am.

As we move through life we get all wrapped up and interconnected with others. I feel a particular gratitude to have my person interconnected with yours. That is how I have always felt when I think of you. As I write, I see with startling clarity that the sentiments don't change at all with the horrible news and sad fact of your untimely death.

I wish your family the peace that passes understanding and pray that they will eventually be comforted by their treasured memories of a very fine and special person.

with a grateful heart,

Your High School Girlfriend

Don't Let the Ego Drive the Bus!-A guest post by author Gwendolyn Conover

foreword: Some months ago the author of this piece introduced me to Eckhart Tolle. It is just one of the ways keeping this blog has blessed and enriched my life. However, being that the concepts he introduces are both very dense and have a nebulous, ethereal quality, I kept failing in my attempts to write coherently about them. Enter Gwendolyn Conover. Here is my process in a nutshell:

1. Read book Wendy recommends (renewing four times to finish and emailing Wendy for help deciphering).

2. Become aware and blown away by how much ego is involved in my daily life.

3. Think that mayhaps I really can't make any of this stick. I try to write about it and fail, I try to apply it to my life and fail.

4. I have a slow and dawning realization through my writing and daily living that something is happening. Oh, slow, mindful, incremental progress. Damn....I was hoping for instant enlightmentment.

5. I read this piece and feel too sheepish to post what I wrote about ego because this is so much better. Like I said, the progress is slow and incremental.

I hope you enjoy learning about this as much as I have. Thank you so much guest author!

Sincerely,

Sister1

Gwendolyn Conover

Guest blog for “Hey Mothers, Let’s Be Sisters”

 

Don’t Let the Ego Drive the Bus!

You know about that persistent pigeon, don’t you?  The one in the picture book by Mo Willems? He’s a little bird who really wants to drive the bus, but you’re in charge, and you’re not supposed to let him.  So you keep telling him, “No!”  But every time you turn the page he tries again to persuade you.

All I ever learned in life I learned from children's books! For more cool life lessons check out the author's site. Photo from Amazon.

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Don’t you love that book?

Me too.  Oh, and my kids think it’s pretty fun also.  But what does that pesky pigeon have to do with—ego?

Well, what if I told you I’m convinced there’s a little bird inside your head that is more persuasive, more persistent, and quite a bit sneakier than our pigeon friend?  And not only does this bird want to drive your bus, most of the time he does! 

Beep, beep!  Ego at the wheel!

Don't go changing...

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU! MAKE YOURSELF OVER. CHANGE YOUR LIFE, blah, blah, blah....

Alas, it didn't pan out. But do visit this very cool resolution generator by Monica Velarde.

I totes (totes is a cool new way of saying "totally" for all you old-sters out there) get caught up in the resolution frenzy on an annual basis. Certainly there is nothing wrong with personal inventory, a quest for self improvement, and reflection (in fact that is sort of my MO) but the over-focus on change robs us of the moment, the "be here now" kind of life that is purportedly the whole bottle plus a drop.

At best resolutions help us change bad habits or adopt new, healthier ones. At worst they promote all or nothing thinking that gets us throwing out the proverbial baby with the metaphorical bathwater. I know you and, trust me, you are fabulous. So consider for a just a minute an un-resolution, one where we resolve only to celebrate what is.

Is that my mother on the phone?

* Foreword: Other title options for this post included "Sister friend" and "O cousin where art thou?" In the end, I just thought this Police song is crazy cool. Just wanted to put that out there in case a reader, who also happened to be my mom, was wondering.

from me to you...you're welcome

Just in time for the holidays: a post on the importance and challenges of family connections. Festive, yes?
It is all easy enough if you have cool family members. But what if your bro is a white supremacist?  Or if your cousin manages a credit-default-swap-hedge fund, or manages a TGIFridays?

We all know that family relationships matter. But we aren't always sure why, and we are almost never sure what the cost/benefit of maintaining them is compared with tossing them aside like last night's meatloaf.

I've noticed a couple things about the nature of family relationships which sets them apart from others in our lives:

Don't Hate Me Because I am Blog-iful

<<< Kelly Le Brock, how could we hate you when you gave us luxurious Pantene hair AND "Weird Science"???

And now a string of seemingly unrelated stories ...

-- I hate memoirs. No matter how well-written, how riveting, by the time I am halfway through I am hating on the author. Come on, to be so filled with thoughts about oneself that you write an entire book? I was taught that was "bragging" or at least "acting hot-shot." Seriously it doesn't matter who wrote it -- I start feeling that way. After four chapters of reading about a nun who served with Mother Teresa in Calcutta all I can think is, 'on and on with leprosy, at least you got to travel.'

-- Ichsnay on the Talkie-Talkersons. I took a class my freshman year of college entitled, "Ethics in Society."  I remember only a few things from the class. One is the girl next to me with the folder displaying "Ethnics in Society" in extra-wide Sharpie marker. She either never realized the difference between ethics and ethnics or did but wasn't embarrassed about the misunderstanding.

Secondly, I remember a girl. Let's call her "Liz". That was actually her name, I can't come up with her last name but I vividly recall her glinty eyes and unusually big hands which gesticulated wildly as she talked. And talked, and talked, and talked. She was smarter, louder, and way more aggressive than the rest of us. Incidentally, she really hated me. It might have been because at 18 I didn't know my Bosnia from my Herzegovina or because I have lady-like hands and a sunny disposition. Her constant narration and cool, edgy devil's advocate-style was actually painful. Sort of like a constant assault. You get my point. And if you don't, because really who would ... stay tuned.

A festive Halloween post ... with razor-blade apples.

Remember when we were kids and someone put a razor blade in an apple? From then on your parents always fished out the apples, leaving you only the sugary candy.

Ummm....like sharp objects couldn't be placed into something else? Was this a plan hatched by the Cavity Creeps ... eradicate the healthy food from the trick-or-treat bag? Next thing you knew, people were lining up at the hospital to have their Halloween candy X-rayed. Geez! Doesn't this seem like a failure of imagination?

Like that fun 80s anecdote, an excessive emphasis on outside influences seldom helps. We lose when we are just reacting. We spend all this time sorting metaphorical candy when we really should be educating our kids and setting a foundation so they simply avoid treats that look weird. (that is supposed to be metaphor for equipping kids to say no to dangerous behaviors because you have given them a strong sense of internal morality -- that was totally clear, right?)

In other words: the focus belongs not on the evil world around us, but on the culture and climate inside the home. My theory: to accomplish this we need, A) boundaries and, B) communication. It is still in hypothesis mode, so let me lay it out for you and you tell me what you think ...