Sunday, May 30, 2010

the word of the day is...magic (AHHH!!!)

I believe in something. There are many terms; serendipity, synchronicity, coincidence, God....I always think of it like a giant, colossal, episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse. Well, there is no Chair-e and I have no disembodied blue head anywhere in my house. But remember the part of each episode where he would state the "word of the day" and then anytime anyone said it, SCREAM!? (I know you are feeling nostalgic right now-if you need to break and hear the theme song, go ahead-I'll wait). Before you know it everyone in Pee Wee's life was using the word. This was great because it gives everyone the opportunity to scream as well as the opportunity to see something very real in action; magic.

I get a word, lesson, or theme and then listen as the universe starts screaming it back. Sometimes I have to be beat over the head a bit but it NEVER fails. In fact, the process is so reliable that I seldom publish a post  straight away. I write what is on my heart and let it gestate for weeks, sometimes even months. In the interim, I watch in utter amazement as the cosmic Pee Wee puts me in touch with books, people, ideas, stories on NPR, encounters, life experiences, you name it. I get what I need not only to finalize my post but to understand my "word of the day" on a whole new level.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

chasing a good time

You can chase your kid, you can chase your youth,
but "you can't chase a good time."

This pearl was delivered by a wise fellow tired of driving my friend and me around from place to place one evening. Certain we could catch up with a good time, we just would not call it a night. Hours later, we conceded and dejectedly headed for home. We've repeated "you can't chase a good time," so many times over the past decade -- it perfectly sums up the movie that wasn't worth it, the unjustifiably large tab, the night that just will not come together.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Fear and Loathing...Part 2

part II
What is it you intend to do with your one wild and precious life? ("A Summer Day"-Mary Oliver Brown)

Posing this question to myself used to exhilarate me.  Lately, I just sort of glumly answer, "this, I guess."  And by-the-bye, my "this" is good stuff, no, great stuff.  Since penning the first half of this post (see "Fear and Loathing) I have had a bit of an epiphany.  It is not really about relocation or a move across town (both of which I have made some very serious plays for). It is that I am having some angst at facing the next stage of my life.

Without my realizing it, I had completed a major part of my life cycle.
*Marry a great guy who "gets me" and makes killer blueberry waffles-check.
*Figure out what I want to be when I grow up-check.
*Deliver two amazing human beings into the world-check.

So into the throes of family planning was I, that, like a bride after her wedding day, I was unprepared for the emotional upheaval of mission accomplished.  Finally having put all of this together it is apparent that my real trouble was never with my locale (although I am not suddenly a  parka  lover) but a trouble with feeling that this family was at the end, out of options; our story written.


Sunday, May 9, 2010

measure this

So it is Mother's Day and another one of those articles came out. The subject matter to which I refer is one that attempts to put a $ value on staying home and child rearing. I have been sort of uncomfortable with these reports and figures that surface from time to time, but I have been uncomfortable without knowing why. So since it is Mother's Day, instead of spending time with my family, I am going to sit down and try to figure out once and for all why these articles bother me. It seems like a reasonable way to spend the day.

Since I don't have a lot of coherency or organization around my thoughts at this point I am diving in with a list. I have major chagrin over the college papers I grade that contain lists. It seems lazy to me, but what they hey, it's Mother's Day and I am trying to take it easy.

-It doesn't amount to a hill of beans. I might change my tune really quickly if a money truck (or even a bunny money truck) pulled up outside but as far as I know these speculations aren't paid out in so much as monopoly money.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Fear and Loathing in Lawrence

I am California Dreaming, but on such a spring day? It doesn't even make sense. Winter is over. What gives with the atlas gazing and frequent visits to FYI-this is a site that gives overviews of cities and really not naughty at all. Somehow the spring thaw has yet to happen in my psyche. This winter left me bereft. I am so out of love with this, the town of my heart. Instead of buoyant at the change in season I feel a sense of impending doom. I have to get out before "it" happens all over again.

Frankly, I am obsessed. All I think about is life somewhere else. I am so consumed that I actually found myself wondering where "Clifford the Big Red Dog" is set. There seems to be proximity to the ocean, constant blue skies, and people/dogs who seem cheerful without the use of a sun lamp. In case you don't set your child in front of moving images (aka-tv) and don't know-this is a cartoon. Hence, it is not really set anywhere and unlikely to hold the answer to all of my location related woes.

What gives and what is it all about? I hail from western Kansas and should be made of heartier stock. Is this some kind of mid-life crisis (titillating future post alert-more on that very real possibility right around the bend). Do I have some kind of bona-fide seasonal affective disorder? In which case, don't I owe it to myself to live my best life?

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