Is that my mother on the phone?

* Foreword: Other title options for this post included "Sister friend" and "O cousin where art thou?" In the end, I just thought this Police song is crazy cool. Just wanted to put that out there in case a reader, who also happened to be my mom, was wondering.

from me to you...you're welcome

Just in time for the holidays: a post on the importance and challenges of family connections. Festive, yes?
It is all easy enough if you have cool family members. But what if your bro is a white supremacist?  Or if your cousin manages a credit-default-swap-hedge fund, or manages a TGIFridays?

We all know that family relationships matter. But we aren't always sure why, and we are almost never sure what the cost/benefit of maintaining them is compared with tossing them aside like last night's meatloaf.

I've noticed a couple things about the nature of family relationships which sets them apart from others in our lives:

#1-These are people who get you, really get you. This point is best demonstrated by a conversation  overheard between my (then) 18 month and 4-year-old daughters ...
Little sis: "Babble, goo goo ga ga."
Big sis: "Well, she is a baby now, but later, after she is born, she will be a grown up. Got that cowgirl?"

I don't understand these exchanges, but they have them all the time. They seem to "get" each other and really enjoy their conversations. And it's the same for me: 34 years in and no one gets me like my sister.

#2-Shared experience. I was reading my cousin's blog and came across an entry entitled, "fear and ketchup". In this engaging post there is a description of Thanksgiving dinner and a yummy roast. It sounded truly magical and I found myself thinking, "I wish I had been there." As I read on, I realized I had been there. I was very moved by this treasured memory, and it was as if I was mentally reliving it. I got to thinking about how your family is your collective past. They are the movable memory of your person-hood.

Back in St. Olaf, we always tolerated our families

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Of course, every reason I just mentioned in favor of family connections is also a screaming reason against said connections. Someone who gets you?  How about someone who has you permanently typecast in a role that you can't get away from? You could no sooner be something different than your "set role" around these people than Betty White could portray a smart, sophisticated college student.

And shared experience? What if the memories truly have some sting? For some they are truly traumatic (sorry, for those, this post is not terribly applicable), but for most of us they are more just traumatic to our sense of self. And that can feel bad enough!
* * *
So when the reasons for are just as compelling as the reasons against ... where does this leave us? Well, here is my $00.02:

Family relationships are poltergeists. A ghost haunts a location and a poltergeist haunts you. Wherever you go or move or flee -- it's right there. It's the same with family relationships, so you may as well keep them where you can see them, be mindful of them. You sure don't want dysfunctional dynamic setting up shop all over your life, especially subconsciously (... they're baaaaack).

Professional therapy is 4-square against cut-off in all but the most serious and extreme of situations. Here's the skinny from authors Betty Carter and Monica McGoldrich in "The Expanded Family Life Cycle"


Inescapable relationship patterns are scarier than Christmas sweaters, but maybe not scarier than fruit cake or blogs, or blogs about fruit cake >>>>

"Cutting off a relationship by physical or emotional distance does not end the emotional process; in fact it intensifies it. If one cuts off relationships ... the emotional sensitivities and yearnings from these relationships tend to push into one's other relationships ... the new relationships will tend to become problematic under this pressure and lead to further distancing and cut-offs."

The kids benefit. I was an adult before I knew there was ever so much as a cross word between my parents and their parents. Don't get me wrong -- overall they were good relationships. But there were old hurts, current frustrations, etc., and nevertheless my parents had the wisdom to give me the joy of a childhood with my crazy family. For whatever reason it seems that many times kids get the best of people. And they also gain a strong sense of roots and inter-connection. Can't beat that.

I know some people who struck gold in the family and in-law departments. They are dead, live far away, or are actually very cool people. Me ... well, you win some you lose some. I kid, I kid. I am richly blessed in the family department but, like everyone, there are frustrations.

But the point is family relationships have been a very important in my life, and those crazy characters influencing the childhood of my girls are definitely important for them. So I will maintain because I think it is best. And because I am hoping to pay it forward so that someday when the phone rings and my name and 3D image appears on the futuristic caller-ID, my girls pick up the phone.


What are the benefits and challenges you face with your family? In retrospect, what are some of your most treasured holiday/family memories? And oh yeah, Happy Holidays and much love. Stuff in some figgy pudding, tank up on wasil and hope your family dinner isn't fodder for Jerry Springer.