who loves you, baby?

Who do you love? Conjure up your mental list.

Now, let me rephrase the question...who do you love-- absolutely, unequivocally, unconditionally, exactly as they are? If you are anything like me, your list just got a whole lot shorter.

Next, think of how good it feels to bask in the presence of someone who truly loves and accepts you. Warts and all. Think of how freeing and liberating it is share with that person; to simply be with that person. What a gift. And one we should aspire to give as well as receive.

My grandparents loved me SO well. They also always had Cheez-Its at their house; hence I have an association between love and Cheez-Its. I am going to eat some Cheez-Its now. (not a joke). 

But how do we start ? (orange font to denote Cheez-It hands). How do we turn off the ego, the defense of self, the sense of disgust that someone out there might like foie gras?

Rick Elias, whose plane nearly crashed in 2010, thinks he may have found the answer, "...in my humanity, I also allowed my ego to get in, I wasted time that mattered on people who mattered, on things that did not matter...I no longer try and be right, I try and be happy."  2011 TED Talk.

Spend 3 minutes listening to his entire talk and how theses sentiments relate to parenting; you won't be sorry.

Please share someone who loved you very purely...how do you channel their spirit and infuse your interactions with this kind of love? What are your challenges in doing so, and how do you overcome them? Thank you. Sometimes I find you distasteful and your person offensive. JK-I love you, for real...and I am working on loving you better.

PS-for more explorations on loving peeps better, please visit my friend's new and excellent blog, "Love and Peace or Else." And I know what you are thinking..."I couldn't possibly love peeps any better." But check out this idea of plopping one in your hot chocolate or latte from Ohdeedoh! See! We can all love peeps better.

A thank you note my mom didn't make me write

Dear Readers,

This is a thank you note. To you, for the community you built here on my blog. Below is a random thank you note that really has nothing to do with this post but is from what is, hands down, the coolest blog around, thxthxthx. Check it out. (but don't be an ingrate, read your thank you card first, okay?)

 Now onto the business of thanking you.

"In a community of relationships, we are less judgmental and more forgiving of each other so as not burn bridges. In a community of relationships, I come to know that you want the best for me, so when you help me question my own thinking, I can more easily hear it and not get defensive." Kristin Maschka.

The author contends that this can not happen online. And while I wholeheartedly agree that we need real, face-to-face time to nurture our non-virtual relationships...something very real and very magical  is happening with the "Hey Mothers" community.

There is some difference because I personally know so many of my readers. But I don't know all of you, and you certainly don't all know each other. Still our exchanges feel safe, positive, kind, and productive. Even those who don't comment online have let me know through emails, actual mail, and phone calls that they feel exactly the same way.

I am so grateful to each of you. You have totally flipped me on issues, given me ideas I never would have thought of, called out my errors, and supported me. I marvel at my immediate access to wisdom, advice, tips, tricks, and thought  provoking conversation. I don't know how anyone parents without a blog, I just know I wouldn't want to.

Here is my great-grandma parenting without a blog. And yet she still smiled. People were so brave back then.

So now I want to hear from you. How do blogs and message boards influence your parenting and your life? What rules for civil discourse do you take into the virtual world? Why are we so awesome? What other great blogs can you share? How do you build your non-virtual village? What groups and activities help you process and parent at your best?

Lots of love and gratitude to you, gentle readers!
-Sister1

Confessions of a Melty-Downy Mom (and a winner!)

Thank you all for your terrific responses and stories from MeltDown Town. To be fair, I figured I should share my best (to date) humdinger of a meltdown.

It goes like this: I get pregnant with my second child and begin reading copious amounts on birth order, sibling peace/rivalry, parenting fairly, etc. etc. I actively involve Big Kid to get her ready. I brace myself for feelings of shock or jealousy. I envision myself dealing with regressions, temper tantrums, and outbursts in a calm, dignified, saintly manner.

And then, after all the sweet anticipation (and 39 weeks of puking) we become a family of four. I wait, and wait. Nada, nothing ... zip. The same happy, sunny kid I have known for nearly three years seems to vacillate between adoring her sister and just obliviously going about her business. Um, could it really be this easy? What, my friends, was all the fuss about? I start thinking ... "nailed it."

And then the big day came, the one I had prepared for, practiced for over and over with mental dress rehearsals. I walked in to find Big Kid pinching her sister -- with a focused intensity. Little Kid is screaming, her arm welting up. So what do I do? Well, I make sure Little Kid is okay then I calmly remove Big Kid from the situation and talk to her about her feelings. Then, through music, movement, and art we come up with some creative ways to handle frustrations with her baby sister.

Okay, not really.

I grab Big Kid. I hold onto her by her arms. I look in her face. And to my child, my child that I love so much it hurts, I say...."You are a horrible, rotten child." Oh gentle readers, it still makes my heart ache. We both burst into tears. We both went running to our respective dad/husband. Me screaming, "I just did something horrible," and her screaming, "Mommy called me a 'rot child', mommy called me a 'rot child,' WHAT IS A 'ROT CHILD?'". We both seemed to understand the gravity of the situation. It was a bonafide meltdown.
I was sick with regret, and my heart felt like a brick in my chest. I sobbed in my room. What was wrong with me? Why had I reacted so improperly? Said such horrid things? And this was just the worst. The fact is, nearly daily I react with lack of patience and wisdom. Instead I -- whatever the opposite of "nail it" is. ("screwed it?")

I try hard. Really hard. I read, I talk, I ask (you mostly). I do improve; I listen more, I ask more open-ended questions. I consider how fleeting and precious childhood is. And this all helps. And yet, I AM a bit high-strung, and I will NEVER nail it. At least not every minute of every day. Try as I might, there are times my voice will go up an octave over something as silly as a missing shoe, or that I will make the proverbial mountain of the metaphorical molehill.

So in addition to trying to improve my reactions and our interactions, I also practice extending grace and compassion to myself after the moments I am less than proud of. And I hope you will too. You are the best of the best. Thank you so much for all of your honest sharing, support, and truly helpful tips and tricks. I love our little community; thank you for being a part of my journey as a mom.

"Calgon take me away!" Image from Go Retro!

And finally, the winner is Anonymous Comment #21.CONGRATULATIONS! And here is where my 2nd confession comes ... I started thinking I couldn't give away a book I hadn't read. So, long story short, the book is bent and there is Indian food spilled on page 11. I feel bad the book isn't as pristine as it was, but this is the blog that gave away a mix tape and tried to give away a box of Franzia. (tried and failed, as I drank the Franzia -- which was kind supposed to be a joke in the first place).  So, like me, it isn't perfect, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!

To cap off meltdown show-and-tell, please take a moment and share your favorite method for meltdown come-down. How do you unwind, reconnect, move on ... forgive yourself after a bad moment? Thank you as always!

Pick that Up! Embracing your Inner-Crazy (and a give-away)

When I wrote "Get Real" I was speculating on all the ways that chasing perfection prevents me from seeing the beauty in my life. And it's true for most of us, all that chasing and 2nd guessing totally robs us of our freedom...the joy of the now, the power of being present in our own lives.

Thanksgiving in the future

In response to that entry, my friend posted an hilarious imagining of a Future Thanksgiving in which her adult daughter jests and laughs about her mom's riotous imperfections. 

This lead me to both a recollection and an insight. Lucky you, I am about to share both!

The Public Option

Since this post is about school, I am going to stay on theme and give you some homework. Straight away -- before reading this post -- please take 3 minutes to watch the following video. Otherwise this post will be nonsensical and you run the risk on getting an "F" in the comments sections. And you know how grad schools and prospective employers mightily weigh your "hey mothers" performance. But no pressure!

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2011/03/16/exp.am.intv.preschool.cnn?hpt=Sbin

Okay? Got all that? This is insane on so many levels. It's as offensive as the day is long. Can anyone hold onto the naive belief that this country is all about opportunity after getting that little peak at how money and connections ... and NOT effort and talent ... "feed" the ivy league schools? George W went to an ivy league school for the love of god. In the interest of not being a red or a blue blog, I will stop there.

Sure it looks cute now, but there is nothing scarier than an out of control ivy demanding to be fed.

BUT, I have serious misgivings about the current state of public education. In particular, my school board seems hell bent on closing every neighborhood school, reaching "maximum efficiency" and making major decisions about MY kids with zero input from me. (btw it makes me really f-ing mad).

Conflicted, I am so conflicted. Please I need your help. I am lapsing into lazy list form because I am far too frantic and chaotic to lend any real structure to this rant:

1. I believe in, REALLY BELIEVE IN, public education.It is supposed to be the great equalizer. It is supposed to put everyone on equal footing and give everyone a fighting chance.And I love that it serves as an access point for delivering all kinds of services to a wide population.

2. I know lots of teachers and they are among the brightest, best educated, most devoted, most passionate people out there. And they are fun to drink martinis with.

3. I HATE that we don't fund this most basic of services; it is to the detriment of everyone.

4. I HATE elitism. I don't want to be a part of any system that perpetuates more of the haves vs. have nots. It makes me want to puke. And a private school that offers 2 minority scholarships a year does NOT constitute equal opportunity, k?

5. I HATE that schools are underfunded, teachers are undervalued, underpaid, and that they are forced to teach a curriculum that revolves around standardized testing and does not honor a kid's need for individual learning styles, and their need for play and movement.

image from 365 ways

I recognize and accept that no system is perfect and that with a "my way or the highway" mentality I will be forced into perpetual anger and a role of victim. I accept responsibility for the education of my children and plan to be an active voice, advocate, and volunteer wherever they end up.

But friends, where will they end up? I feel that my choices are not really choices at all (just the made-up kind I give my 2-year-old). I implore you to share you education philosophy, your choices, your regrets, your victories. Thank you.

Friend Request, part II of II

What is a friend? At times, I am befuddled by my own friend interactions. I have responded inappropriately to hurt feelings and botched ending relationships, aka the "Friend Break Up." Clearly I haven't mastered the art of friendship; how can I offer guidance to my kids?

Ahhh, the friendship bracelet. Let's bring it back! A few things from middle school are worth saving. Here is the site just in case you need a refresher.

So, in keeping with the spirit of this blog, I realized the best way to answer the question is to turn it back on itself. Hopefully things will fall in line with my and my daughters relationships when the focus is on our own actions.  It is NOT, "is Susie being a good friend to me (or my child)?" It simply becomes, "Am I a good friend?" 

Friendly Advice, part I of II

I am watching my big kid form relationships, and I'm staying the hell out of the way. She will have to navigate for herself her boundaries and expectations. I just shut up and mind my own bee's wax. Yep, I don't say a word, not a word.

Are you as fascinated by the origins of that clever expression as I am?

Okay, okay, I am full of CRAP. I can't shut the frick up. It is tough not to park the ol' helicopter on hover and interject all manners of wisdom into her interactions. I am like a deranged mom who thinks big kid's entire social life is a movie set and I am the perfectionist director (Mom-tin Scorsese-- ha ha).

"CUT, CUT. The line was, 'May I please have the ball when you are finished?' You totally left off the 'when you are finished' and you sounded a touch whiny. Remember that your character is a very patient, well-rounded and wise child who is not at all impulsive and never physical.

Got that? Okay, ACTION!"