Friend Request, part II of II

What is a friend? At times, I am befuddled by my own friend interactions. I have responded inappropriately to hurt feelings and botched ending relationships, aka the "Friend Break Up." Clearly I haven't mastered the art of friendship; how can I offer guidance to my kids?

Ahhh, the friendship bracelet. Let's bring it back! A few things from middle school are worth saving. Here is the site just in case you need a refresher.

So, in keeping with the spirit of this blog, I realized the best way to answer the question is to turn it back on itself. Hopefully things will fall in line with my and my daughters relationships when the focus is on our own actions.  It is NOT, "is Susie being a good friend to me (or my child)?" It simply becomes, "Am I a good friend?" 

Friendly Advice, part I of II

I am watching my big kid form relationships, and I'm staying the hell out of the way. She will have to navigate for herself her boundaries and expectations. I just shut up and mind my own bee's wax. Yep, I don't say a word, not a word.

Are you as fascinated by the origins of that clever expression as I am?

Okay, okay, I am full of CRAP. I can't shut the frick up. It is tough not to park the ol' helicopter on hover and interject all manners of wisdom into her interactions. I am like a deranged mom who thinks big kid's entire social life is a movie set and I am the perfectionist director (Mom-tin Scorsese-- ha ha).

"CUT, CUT. The line was, 'May I please have the ball when you are finished?' You totally left off the 'when you are finished' and you sounded a touch whiny. Remember that your character is a very patient, well-rounded and wise child who is not at all impulsive and never physical.

Got that? Okay, ACTION!"

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (and a winner!)

Over the last two weeks I have been compiling a list of things that have moved and touched me. The list just got way too long for this entry. Funny how we get what we look for, isn't it? I have been schooled in the power of my own choices; and by the way my brain physiologically adapts to what I seek out, attend to, and cultivate. It certainly doesn't negate all the negative but does mean that opening my eyes and seeing all that magic gives me terrific perspective ... and helps me see even more magic.

I've discovered a book that crystallizes what has been happening in my neurology. "My Stroke of Insight," by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor is a first-person account from a brain scientist who lost the function of the left side of her brain during a stroke. (I implore you to spend 18 minutes watching her talk -- you won't be sorry.)

Guess what the left side of your brain houses. Give up? It's the ego center. Ahhh synchronicity! Turns out it is a pretty useful side and not at all "bad." However, the over-identification of self and the corresponding neural pathways that lead to defensiveness and separate us from the here-and-now has the potential to be pretty toxic. And yet the plasticity of the brain allows us to create and strengthen new pathways and learn from our oft-neglected right side.

I am trying to follow up on Dr. Bolte Taylor's beautiful lesson. She calls it cultivating our garden.

Last week, we visited the Botanical Gardens of Corpus Christi (it's an actual garden -- not a brain metaphor or song by Iron Butterfly, just to be clear). A recent frost made it seem more like the Barren Waste Land of Corpus Christi. My husband and I lamented as we wandered around the death and destruction. However, my girls laughed and played. They even asked if we could go back later. (Hey, it's currently $1 off admission if you go now. I'm serious. They've discounted it if you attend before the life returns!)

I have been pondering what my life would be like with this approach. Zero rumination, zero wallowing in disappointment ... just total acceptance of the situation exactly as it is. Buddhist teaching says the recipe for suffering is pain (multiplied by) resistance. Kind of makes one wonder how much of the misery we experience is perpetuated by our response, and how much beauty we miss because we simply forget to look.

Thanks to all of you for reading and participating in February's discussion. And congratulations to "anonymous" for winning on my random.org drawing for the journal. Thanks to my savvy-ness I was able to figure out who she is and where she lives. Gosh, that makes me sound kind of creepy; don't be scared "anonymous"!

I am asking for your suggestions on right brain activities and practices. I welcome book suggestions, spiritual practices, daily habits ... anything that gives that sense of connection and puts you in the moment. And how do you facilitate and teach this to your kiddos? Since my readership has some of the most amazing and intuitive children around, I am hoping you will share your wisdom. As always, thank you.

You've got mail (and a give-away)

A letter and a give-away for you!!!
(And for famous poet Mary Oliver -- just in case by some Valentine's Day miracle she is a huge "Hey Mothers" fan.)

Dear Mary Oliver,
First of all, thank you for asking, "What is it you plan do with your one wild and precious life?" The question that you pose in the beautiful poem "The Summer Day" has been a powerful motivator, propelling me towards necessary action. However, it's also disconcerting. When I don't feel I am doing ENOUGH (traveling, running, advancing, achieving, nailing the whole "mom thing", etc.), your words are a drum beat in my ear, a poetic version of my own voice asking, "seriously, this is what you are doing with your life?"

But I realize the problem wasn't with your question, but my interpretation. I was the one supplying the inflections, the judgments. I am pretty sure you aren't in a secret partnership with the Rock Climbers Association or Travelocity. You are just a poet asking a really worthy question. One we should ask ourselves.

And for the first time, I have an answer that isn't like some high school senior on his/her first college application essay question or a hopeful pageant contestant. It is this: Notice it. Dig it. Appreciate it. Do a little less of creating my own misery by chasing perfection, and a little more digging and appreciating. And that includes trusting the process when things aren't going my way.

Did my previous answer sound as silly as the map debacle of '07. Unequivocally, YES.

What a gift to my children, Mary Oliver. I have been empowered to lead by example, to show them that they don't start enjoying their one wild and precious life only if and when when they get what they want. And thank you also for for the "wild and precious" part. Because Mary: true that! I just won't fritter away this gift with myopic vision that only sees only the unfinished and imperfect. Not when I could be choosing to see the beauty that is all around me.

With the utmost gratitude,

Sister1

Dear Readers,

Valentine's Day is here and I am reflecting on my New Year's Post  and the insanely good comments it generated. Rather than my usual method (flashes of insight that I promptly forget), I am moved to dedicate RIGHT NOW as the time to love the bejezus out of my life. As the month rolls along, look for random lists of things that I heart ... things that touch and move me. It is both a tool for cultivating gratitude and a personal experiment--Can I change my neural pathways with a focus on the positive, the kind, the beautiful? Maybe I'll be more calm, creative, insightful ... and help Egypt get their new government up and running.

You so want in, right? Share this post on Facebook or tweet it -- let's see about making my personal experiment a social experiment -- Hey Egypt needs us! What holds you back?  What "thing" are you waiting for to start loving your life? What do you see as the first step in embracing this life, this one wild and precious life? What moves and touches you? Write a full-on love letter, a sonnet, or a one-word answer. Each comment counts as an entry, so feel free to rack 'em up as you see fit. Throw down the random, the obscure, the surprising, the cheesy, the cliche ... just speak from the heart. And the prize? Why it's this beautiful gratitude journal ("Seedlings" hardcover by Lotta Janslotter).

Well, it's a blank journal. If you win, you can crap on my concept and make it a "things that suck" journal or, a "list of blogs better than Hey Mothers" journal, or whatever -- to the victor go the spoils!

Happy commenting and Happy Valentine's, treasured readers,

sister1

Get Real

"The key to unlocking this dilemma is recognizing how the ego activity of judging divides the self into judging and judged parts, thus destroying the unity of the self. It is only from unity, from a whole and complete contact with all of the self that we are able to embody and recognize perfection."-The Enneagram Institute

It turns out that I chase perfection by judging myself. According to this little nugget, my methodology is so flawed that I won't be able to even recognize the perfection to which I aspire.

I don't speak in metaphor--here is an literal picture of perfection from one of the magazines I am obsessed with....sigh...so pretty.

Dear High School Boyfriend

Dear High School Boyfriend,

I have just learned of your passing. It is numbing and shocking; my heart aches for your family and the people who were a part of your present life. What an enormous loss for them. Even as they grieve and wonder how to go on without you, they must all feel so deeply thankful to have been touched by you.

As I process what I have learned, I recall our relationship and the girl that I was. While I have worked very hard through the years to extend grace, compassion, and forgiveness to my former self, the vivid recollections are painful. Yet, as difficult as that close-up is, it deepens both my appreciation and my understanding of the pivotal and precious part of my journey that included you.

For some years I have had the thought that I wish you knew me now--this updated, integrated version of myself. I have shared this with a few of our mutual friends. But, having some grasp of the space time continuum, I totally get that who I am now is necessitated and precipitated by the fact that you knew me then. Thanks for being a part of who I am.

As we move through life we get all wrapped up and interconnected with others. I feel a particular gratitude to have my person interconnected with yours. That is how I have always felt when I think of you. As I write, I see with startling clarity that the sentiments don't change at all with the horrible news and sad fact of your untimely death.

I wish your family the peace that passes understanding and pray that they will eventually be comforted by their treasured memories of a very fine and special person.

with a grateful heart,

Your High School Girlfriend

Don't Let the Ego Drive the Bus!-A guest post by author Gwendolyn Conover

foreword: Some months ago the author of this piece introduced me to Eckhart Tolle. It is just one of the ways keeping this blog has blessed and enriched my life. However, being that the concepts he introduces are both very dense and have a nebulous, ethereal quality, I kept failing in my attempts to write coherently about them. Enter Gwendolyn Conover. Here is my process in a nutshell:

1. Read book Wendy recommends (renewing four times to finish and emailing Wendy for help deciphering).

2. Become aware and blown away by how much ego is involved in my daily life.

3. Think that mayhaps I really can't make any of this stick. I try to write about it and fail, I try to apply it to my life and fail.

4. I have a slow and dawning realization through my writing and daily living that something is happening. Oh, slow, mindful, incremental progress. Damn....I was hoping for instant enlightmentment.

5. I read this piece and feel too sheepish to post what I wrote about ego because this is so much better. Like I said, the progress is slow and incremental.

I hope you enjoy learning about this as much as I have. Thank you so much guest author!

Sincerely,

Sister1

Gwendolyn Conover

Guest blog for “Hey Mothers, Let’s Be Sisters”

 

Don’t Let the Ego Drive the Bus!

You know about that persistent pigeon, don’t you?  The one in the picture book by Mo Willems? He’s a little bird who really wants to drive the bus, but you’re in charge, and you’re not supposed to let him.  So you keep telling him, “No!”  But every time you turn the page he tries again to persuade you.

All I ever learned in life I learned from children's books! For more cool life lessons check out the author's site. Photo from Amazon.

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Don’t you love that book?

Me too.  Oh, and my kids think it’s pretty fun also.  But what does that pesky pigeon have to do with—ego?

Well, what if I told you I’m convinced there’s a little bird inside your head that is more persuasive, more persistent, and quite a bit sneakier than our pigeon friend?  And not only does this bird want to drive your bus, most of the time he does! 

Beep, beep!  Ego at the wheel!